COMPLEXITY No 17

Compatibility and adjustment Lead to a successful & Happy Married Life

Part  “C”

Well, Ladies & Gentlemen,

It’s about time I started talking about the power of compatibility & the power of adjustment in a married life.

Tools for COMPATIBILITY    

There are many, but I will be highlighting only two, which have been highly prevalent right from decades ago up to date.

TOOL -1 ADVERTISEMENT

For years and decades, the advertisement in the newspaper was and still remains the most popular form of tool for looking out for a suitable match. Let’s take a look at two newspaper ads. One from the Hindustan Times and the other from the Sunday Times

Hindustan Times	Sunday Times
Min.5’.5’’, wanted a 25 years Garg brahmin, tall,  homely girl from status family, willing to go abroad	Wanted MBA/DOCTOR, intelligent, well placed boy for professional doctor- daughter; caste NO Bar

I would like to draw your attention to the above two advertisements.  What do you think is being sought here?

Whoever is advertising—be it the parents or the individual himself—has already in his mind set some parameters along which he/she will want to see in the proposed alliance.

Looking for matching qualifications in the two ads, let’s analyze:

Case No-1	Case No-2
Hindustan Times	SUNDAY TIMES
Caste-Brahmin	Caste- immaterial
Height & age compatibility	Not an essential criteria
Economic & education status- not so important.	Should be well educated.
Need not be working; but should be ready to go abroad	Professional compatibility important.
Should be good in managing a house hold properly.	Intellectual compatibility  emphasised upon.

Let’s try to fathom what these details are actually revealing:

In each case compatibility has a different connotation:

Compatibility here means:

Case No-1	Case No-2
Economic background should be sound	Social status should be good
Looking for mental Vibrancy	Looking for Intellectual Vibrancy
Height / Age compatibility gains significance	Great idea, but, not  a must.
Need not be a working lady	Looking for a  working partner / or one who could also work in future.
Should have home & hearth as a priority. Should have all pre-requisites for an ideal wife.	Looking for an amenable partner who can relate mentally and be accommodating.
Religion/ caste/ creed should be completely adhered to.	Does not worry too much about Caste /Religion

These are classical examples of arranged marriages through advertisements!

The parents, the seniors, and the responsible citizens, once they start looking for a match for their child, keeping the various parameters in mind, they look for certain special features or attributes that they think must be present if they want their ward to be happy and succeed as he/she progresses in life.

The above ads are such glaring examples.

2nd Tool Matching Horoscope

Matching Horoscope/Jantri, Patri, as is prevalent even today, even in the most literate of societies, is yet another tool to look for compatibility. It involves matching of birth charts.

Arranged Marriage	Love marriage
Horoscope Compatibility is a MUST. Strictly adhered to.	May be matched, but may not be followed.
Incompatibility  in horoscope -not to be considered	They may have glaring incompatibilities Eg: Height /Religion incompatibility
	Physical In Compatibility…..	Amitabh/ Jaya
	Religious In Compatibility	Saif/Amrita  Sharmila/Pataudi

There are grades of Incompatibilities: Minor / Major

Minor	Major
Hobbies/ interests	Future Goals/Life priorities
Tidiness/ Cleanliness	Core moral & Ethical values
Entertainment choices	Financial philosophy
Food preferences	Religious / Spiritual beliefs
	Emotional intimacy and libido
	Character & respect.

Let’s see further:

If compatibility is at odds, just doesn’t match—the parents may have loads of reservations, and the alliance may not go through. And if it does happen, but the family is concerned about the incompatibility criteria, and they keep harping on this only, all the time, it can lead to issues and complexities of the mind.  It will increase the mental divide and may become a reason for a marriage breakup. >>>>> Marriage may not work!!!

Let’s take the case of the world famous Nobel laureate-

V.S. Naipaul & his Muslim wife:

They had the highest level of incompatibility: religion.

They were from two different religious backgrounds.

Once they decided that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together—

They adjusted their minds, they set their psyches right, & worked towards a peaceful co-existence.

So if you see the above two examples, you will realize that we have talked about the first important term: COMPATIBILITY.

 Now if we read about the Nobel laureate and see how, despite having the biggest level of incompatibility: RELIGION, they decided to overcome this very important aspect, they decided that their mental vibrancy, their desire to be with each other, and their wanting to remain with each other for the rest of their living life together >>>>>> they carried on…

Friends It’s a case of setting your psyche right… Setting your mind and wanting to adjust, wanting to coexist together. Since they two, themselves, had mutually decided to go ahead, despite this glaring incompatibility, they learned to overcome the prying eyes and the piercing queries of all and sundry!!!

And mind you, there must have been scores of such situations that would have been unpleasant.

But they pressed on & on & on!!!

Another eg:

A friend of mine was 6’4” tall. His only demand was that the girl should be a minimum of 5’10” tall.

Nothing else mattered.

Yes, they found one, with quite a lot of looking around. They married.

Marriage was a disaster. 11 months later they separated; 18 months later they divorced!!!

They could just not adjust!!

It’s time now to talk about adjustments:

What is ADJUSTMENT?  Why is it needed? How can we make adjustments?

Answer:

Adjustment means constantly changing your mind, setting your psyche RIGHT, & behaving differently or doing things differently as & when situations demand.

2. Why is adjustment needed?

This is needed frequently for maintaining a peaceful coexistence. At times, one partner may not be good at a certain job or requirement, but the situation demands that this has to be done, and since she is unable to do so, he acquires that skill, works on it, and succeeds in doing it successfully. He gains appreciation and gratefulness from the spouse, and the affection and bonding also increases. Eg:

I am a case of RA+. I have loads of EMS, which may last at times x 2/3 hours, especially in the winters.

My husband has been making a garam cuppa chai early mornings and serves it to me in the bed along with a hot water bottle at times.

This has saved the agony and the guilt of my being a nonperformer in the morning. And the requirement of bed tea being sorted out, and he, a very willing worker for this morning’s job, has made life for both of us easier and simpler.

Many such examples are plentiful in many a mental closet.

Friends, it’s all a big Q???? of ADJUSTMENTS. This is a very simple one!!!

Today’s new fathers are much more hands-on these days. They understand the requirements of helping around the house. So many divorces are averted if the partners decide to let the ego drown into the well and try to understand the current situation and only shift their mental psyche about the situation.

So many marriages stand on the pillars of adjustments.

Let’s get back to the basic slide:

Man and woman when they unite by union of marriage

Before marriage:                                                                                 

Both are living in their own world of contacts. 

All relatives/friends/colleagues know them in varying degrees of proximity. His mind, his psyche, and his positives & negatives are well known to them.

Likewise, her likes/dislikes and her strengths and weaknesses are well known to her inner circle of contacts.

But once they were attracted to each other, liked each other’s company, liked to be together frequently, grew fond of each other, and generally grew closer and closer mentally. Be it the looks, the attraction towards each other, or the physical/sexual attraction, they draw to each other like magnets.

They may not have been on the same wavelength at all times; they may have had different preferences of likes and dislikes and may have had different food choices.

He may not be in total sync with her mind/psyche, but since the urge and the attraction were/are too strong, he chooses to overlook some of her negative points. All said and done>>>> They decide to tie the NUPTIAL KNOT!!

Be it love or arranged…..  these factors are taken into consideration:

If the negatives are too starkly glaring, if the differences in temperament are too markedly prominent, if the ego clashes start too soon, things may not go well at all.

So—here the ROLE OF ADJUSTMENTS comes into focus, and immediate prompt intervention of adjustability measures must be given utmost priority!!!

One should learn to exercise patience, control over your emotions, and lowering of your ego. RED FLAGS

Give each other lots of space and adopt an attitude of LISTEN MORE/SPEAK LESS.

The aim of the exercise is to minimize the minuses & maximize the pluses.

YET AGAIN:

We have to take care of another aspect:

We know ecstasy and magic in marriage in the initial years MAY get replaced by discord/resentment/frustration if efforts are not taken by both to watch out for aberrations and/or changes that might gravitate the mind to the awkward tangents.  It might suddenly dawn on one or both of them that:

The initial josh is over!!!

Is it really so?????

Time and tide, life and living, relating and being relatable, being me—MYSELF—to now being part of another family, one has to learn to be adjustable, one has to learn to be relatable, and one has to be able to adapt himself/herself to the NEW ROLE.>>>>>>

This is an important aspect of ADJUSTABILITY!!!

Why talk of celebrities whose marriage must have rocked?

Why talk of some relative who was crucified at the altar of marriage? Many a time in your life and mine, a phase must have come and gone where everything went berserk.

Some of us still wonder, what went wrong? Why did it go wrong?  & Why did it happen to us?

Its time now to look at another  small story:

A friend of mine—his first marriage rocked!

After a lucid interval, he decided to get married again. So he doesn’t err this time, he decided to choose his second wife very scientifically and methodically. One who would be compatible in every sense of the word would be very adjusting, should be very beautiful, and should have an excellent socio-economic background.

So,

He made a long list of women he considered eligible & compatible with his personality.

He wrote on one side of a page—their names—and on the other side their plus & minus qualities.  Then very mathematically and methodically zeroed in on one lady who had the best of the best qualities.

Soon after a POMP & SHOW wedding (there was no shortcut in his style)—full of pride and confidence—he was ready for a second set of innings.

Very soon his delusions crashed; he came down to Mother Earth with a thud!

This turned out to be a bigger failure than the first!!! 

By now, you can obviously guess why it really happened.

He had forgotten to list his own negative points!!

He never adjusted!!!!

He never compromised,- He never even tried to adapt himself…coz,

He just could not shed his PSUEDO ARROGANCE!!!

Looking back at the above-mentioned case, either marriage could have remained intact and could have been made a success of had he bothered to look at HIMSELF and LOOK AT HIS OWN STRENGTHS & WEAKNESSES!!!

Every couple must realize that marriage is essentially not a bed of roses; it is strewn with thorns. You have to step very gingerly, or else you yourself will get terribly hurt.

Lets then try to surmise—-

Primary concern in marriage should be……	Mutual trust
Primary concept in marriag should be……	Adjustment for mutual benefit
Primary Aim should be….	happiness
Primary purpose should be….	care
Primary goal should be….	Peace of mind
Primary Ultimate response should be       …..	Grow congenially together

Compatibility  thus plays a pivotal role in Marriage:

Its cardinal features are:

MARRIAGE Mutuality Adaptability Compromise Sympathy C-ordination Empathy Compassion Respect Co-operation Adjustability Caring Sharing Joyful companionship

These so-called cardinals are not inborn. They also cannot be readily acquired. You cannot just say, “Plug in.”

Say HO-HA— and it’s DONE!!!

These cardinals have to be slowly and steadily incorporated—first in the MIND,

Secondly, one should have a desire to accept

 And thirdly and lastly, practice it!!!!

Let’s now ponder over ADJUSTABILITY:

This is a slightly different scenario:

When compatibilities are adjusted, you adjust and readjust to the existing comparables…take an example:

MEN	WOMEN	ACTION	RESULT
+++	+++	IF BOTH ADD…..>>>>>	Sure success
– –	– –	If both add up>>>>>>>>	Total disaster

SOME PLUS POINTS:

Urge to care for each other

Desire to listen to each other

Sacrifice time for each other.

Be tolerant towards each other.

Sacrifice time—this needs to be created from your own busy schedule—with the aim and intent to give time to your spouse.

Both must try to improve their hidden talents…

Be tolerant of each other.

Start appreciating small efforts made by the other spouse (esp. if you know that that activity is not her/his forte). Eg: Husband cooking food for the wife—never done earlier.

NEGATIVE POINTS:

Couldn’t care about each other… >>>>>……Weakens the bond of marriage.

Don’t listen to each other…pick up a self alter ego.

No time for each other…distances start creeping in,

No time for each other/Become intolerant of each other (shallowness of mind)… …cracks in the armor of marriage become apparent.

SO… IN A NUTSHELL, WHAT SHOULD BE DONE?

Double up the positives.

Minimize the negatives.

Blend the temper of one with the patience of the other.

Nagging of one with indulgence of the other;

Scoffing of one with appreciation of the other!!!

And many more pointers that may come to your own mind as you tread carefully with a positive aim to improve your own marriage.

Another eg:

Dr Kaushal:

Dr.Kaushal	Dr.  ( MRS) Kaushal
Doc/PG/LAW	MBBS
Govt servant	Govt servant
Reputed & very well sought after(for his known credits)	A simple physician in a Govt set up
EGO++++	Down to earth
Carried his EGO before him	Got busy taking care of the kids & family
Went about life with a big name and bigger profile	Went about life but with no desire for anything.
Name/fame increased, But on personal front had no friends.	Had nothing much to look up to

They lived together as most Indian couples do. The respect, the mutual interaction, the compatibility, or adjustment—one can only comprehend because, where there is too much ego, life would have been a sheer drag…

Did she respect him, for I know he was never really polite with her?

But they did live together; that I know!!

All this was very painful to the observant eye; however, life carried on…

We (the lady doctor and I) were working colleagues. I always found her to be very much a closed person. Would just not open up. I would walk up to her quite often in our free time and try and draw her into some conversations. She took months to shed her hard and caseating tough exterior that she had so created around herself. She had become a LONER; she went about her duties both at home and at work like an automotive machine, devoid of any emotions.

Can you imagine what life would have been for her?

She had always been adjusting to him; he was so full of himself. What kind of a married life theirs must have been.

She just lived through her life, emotionless, just duty-bound—A LIFE ONLY ONE CAN IMAGINE.

Well, friends…

THIS IS LIFE!!!!!!!

I have narrated a few examples of adjustments to make your marriage work.

However much love you may have for your better half, you would all agree that each and every one needs to adjust with their spouse to see that the marriage works in a positive direction.

I’ve narrated a few.

I now look up to all of you to give me some examples of compatibility and more adjustments to see how the marriage adjustments worked for you, your friends, and your relatives.

Let’s all take this as a project for others to take a cue from.

Thank you, everyone, for taking time to read my interpretations on ADJUSTABILITY.

Let’s see what more you and I can add after this.

Why should we adjust?

How much to adjust?

What about our own self-respect?

What about my own individuality? What about my overall personality?

What will happen if only one partner has to give in?

Should it be the onus on one or both?

There are so many unanswered questions…

Let’s try and unravel this mystery…

Wait for my next one…Cheerio…

Smile because, after every storm, there is a silver lining…. The sun will shine the next day as well….