Complexity No 16

on                                                         COMPLEXITY NO—16TH

                   Compatibility & Adjustment lead to a successful & happy married LIFE

                                                                   PART-“B”

Time now to take up the Part -B of the Episode I started on Compatibility & Adjustment that I started a few days ago……

Knock-Knock…Whats up?

Im sorry,  Ladies and Gentlemen

There is an emergency landing——

Hurry up—Open your eyes-Look Around—Fasten your SEAT BELTS…for you have to suddenely crash land into the PRESENT!!!!!

Look around— Look around  , all around yourself:

PAST	PRESENT
Where were U?	Where are u NOW?
How you looked then?	How u look NOW ???
How you thought then?	How you think NOW???

Do u still think the same way? Where has all the magic  from the marriage gone? What has become of u?

What changes has your psyche gone under?

As the magic of marriage receded, as daily life took over;

 TIME & TIDE, circumstances and economic requirements  took an ALL OUT TOP FRONT PRIORITY!!!

Getting back to more basic issues like:

OFFICE/ RELATIONS/ACHIEVEMENTS/GOALS started taking more and more of your time & occupied more n more of your mind  and your time. All this  started to play on your psyche-

Women started expecting men to feel n behave like women while the Men continued to expect their women to think and act like men.   Without clear  awareness of their basic differences, at times, not taking time to understand and respecting each others wishes, we became demanding, resentful, judgemental, and also intolerant at times!!

Even,  with the most loving intentions, the JOSH of marriage continued to wane, and slowly one realised that there was NO JOSH LEFT at All !!!!

In some cases, if u observe carefully- Resentments build, communications break down.  Mistrust increases,>>>>> Rejections n Repressions  start becoming the undesirable outcomes.

Marriage  suddenly loses its earlier connotations (charm, charisma, jadoo & /or josh)

We ask ourselves:  HOW did it happen?

Why did it happen?

Why,   In spite   of  every  thing I did, ……DID it happen to ME?

Lets once again refer back to the DYE CAST:

( look back into the previous blog if required—these are in continuity with each other)

Th MALE DYE CAST

The FEMALE DYE CAST

Another Eg:

Right from birth> childhood> adolescence> to college> maturity, –both had your own level of contacts.

Their own set of relatives, be it Mother/father/brother/ or sister.

Be it friends/ Colleague’s/ Boss or Guru.

The MALE DYE CAST	The FEMALE DYE CAST
He was ideally accepted in his circle of contacts, despite all his crudeness  n shortcomings	She too was ideally accepted in her circle of contacts despite all her idiosyncrasies n whimsical behaviours

Lets see this segment to understand further:

They met, they interacted, they liked each other and made a definite plan:

Knowing well, that even if they were from two dissimilar  back grounds, they wanted to synergise, willingly, lovingly – for LIFE.

 As I mentioned earlier: There was magic in the air, They danced and pranced   amidst   trees,

Life was bliss, but then realities took over and slowly as mentioned- the magic vanished,

As mentioned earlier, Things, incidents, mood and psyche all gradually changed, n  in spite / despite, all supposed attempts, they finally decided to  break away from each other.   They  suddenely wanted a divorce.

Lets now look at this:                                                                          

                                  Diagram  of Divorce

Lets now once again compare a break up of two people within the same family Vis a Vis between a Husbnd and a wife

Breakup-between Members of same family	Break up  in  a Marriage
No break break up	Actual break up
No real loss of face	Actual loss of face
No real economic loss	Definite economic loss
No real social loss	Social loss
No real emotional deprivation	Definitely YES
Sorrow ,sadness,anguish / Remorse, may be temporarily	Sorrow , Sadness ,Anguish Remorse in extremes.

Lets understand this further:

Focussing on the left side of the table:

Disruption of Mood & morale of two members from within the same family is bound to be there in varying proportions, but there is no real drastic havoc that will be created. At times, having gone through a longish patch of tension, incommunicado status , (it could be as an eg: few weeks/ months or even years  ), if  they suddenly  decide to  let bygones be bygones and reunite…

All they require– is consent and agreement with a willingness to get back with each other. All they need to do is meet , with Solid affirmation, a big tight  handshake , a bear HUG a tight embrace… its done!!!!!

The DOSTI, the, WARMTH , The LOVE surfaces all over again!!!  

There will be Bon hominess once again;

Now lets focus on the right side of the table:

The case of a DIVORCE:

Look, analyse, fathom   :

Is it as easy as in the previous case?

The couple has had to go through a lot. The kids, if there are, also   have gone through  their share of depression, dejection & despair. The woman many a times suffers more,  Shame/sorrow/ sadness- one /and /or all could be what she has gone through.

Besides social deprivation,  the child is  generally badly affected. The child becomes semi orphaned and neglected; The child becomes bereft of either one or both the parents at a very tender age  (if they put the child in a hostel , Such a child may not grow up as a normal kid).

The parents of the Divorced person (especially the mother- who tends to take things more closely to her chest is badly affected. May suffer a definite loss of face  in the society).  They feel awkward to talk about this; At times they feel ashamed , and they them selves enter into varying degrees of depression.!!!

This can all lead to havoc and misery all around.

Another eg:

Let me here tell you the story of a friend:

He was happily married for 9 long years. Like all of us, they started out by loving each other; There was magic in the air, there was charisma , & ecstasy all over.

Slowly and steadily as the harsh realities of life started to creep in, as their patience of being tolerant with each other died down, disappointments, frustrations increased to such high crescendos that they decided to quit!!

But before that they sat with me n informed me about their intent. Naturally- I was very concerned. I invited them over for a long week end. I had a heart to heart talk with each of them individually and then collectively.

All they kept saying was..” We have just about tried every thing.  It just doesn’t seem to work.

I think we are just not compatible”

So , over this long weekend I narrated relationships, stories of many a couples, some of them whom  they too were acquainted with.

They were amazed  and baffled at them selves , when they realized that they were fretting and harping over mere trivial issues; that they were actually making a Mountain of a Mole hill especially in regards to the differences that they had!

Those differences seemed trivial at first, but slowly had gained insurmountable heights.

All I did was ,-I first listened to them without interruption, then shared some experiences of few other couples who had also tread on such similar paths, and they too had harboured such differences.

When this dawned on them, they heaved a sigh of relief, and  felt comforted;   They saw, other couples had adjusted to each others needs, and were now running their lives amicably n   peacefully with each other.  They had learnt to be congenial,  patient  n tolerant with each other.

Understood that, those couples were making an earnest effort to make their marriage work.

This TRUTH-

This blatant truth-

This was like a new awakening:

 The couple- gained  a totally new understanding of relation ships.

How one had to try, try to adjust and cope with each new development or change as it would come.

Once again , they mutually sat, sat and decided to make renewed efforts, and with a positive approach in mind, to try and work, collectively, for a smooth and happy married life together.

They  consciously removed the obstacles that were surfacing in their minds;

 Having awakened them to accept their own shortcomings; having made them realise that they must give in more, and expect less in return, I helped avert a Divorce.

I’m very proud to say that they are once again, hopelessly in love, enjoying their life

—–Wait …Im coming Sooooooooooon!!!!!!

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