COMPLEXITY-15  COMPATIBILITY &ADJUSTMENT LEAD TO A SUCCESSFUL  HAPPY MARRIED LIFE PART-A

STARTING A SERIES ON THIS TOPIC part A

A couplet:

Human beings are egoistical by nature,

They are selfish arrogant & proud;

They use what they think is right,

They abuse what they think is slight;

Wearing their Sunday best-`    

They donn the Mantle across their Head,

Head of the family-

Head of the society,

Head of the Institution,–

They are the Supreme-

They are the authority-

They are the DREAM!!!

But wait…here comes the acid test-

The Litmus paper should have turned Blue,

but,  it has turned an Angry red!!

What happened ? What went wrong ?  Was the acid too weak, or was it too old;

Or was it unbearably strong?

The scientist scratched his worthy head-

He wandered as he pondered, & he pondered as he wandered, & then…

The Search, the Pierce, the intensity, the poignancy…all made him realize…

It was the mind-

It was the psyche,

It was the EGO of the Human race:

The Pride, the self centeredness  which was the  whole    cause of SELF DESTRUCTION.

Years of Research, Years of hard work, years of Labor, all over shadowed and washed away by their own pseudo arrogance.

Friends ,

 I gave this talk nearly 24 years ago

I was invited to an August gathering of ROTARIANS

It was held at the TAJ .The topic was what the heading of this episode is—”Combatibility and adjustment lead to a successful happy married life”.

I did not know where to pick up information from.I started to do my humble home work–

I met nearly 50-60 couples, across various strata of society , (quite a few were my patients itself). I would quiz them with a battery of Questions, wait for their earnest answers:

Some used to be skeptical about talking about their personal lives; those who knew me well especially my patients, who had great confidence in me, would open up nonchalantly; some would be guarded in their replies and quite a few evasive !!! .

Based on the research- I so generated, I  thus analyzed their views on life.

Eventually, I  carried out in  depth analysis myself, and steered myself & my mind to structure my talk to deal with this  all   encompassing subject:

THE PSYCHE OF Married couples:

I read a lot of news papers, both current n of the past that I could lay my hands on, I also read a couple of books , but what struck me star -kingly was & is EVEN TODAY—

It’s the PSYCHE, the mentality, the thought process, the way the men folk think of their women folk, that formed the basis of my this very poignant n persistent issue::

I thought & I thought and the deeper I went into it all, what surfaced   was something like this::

The essence of marriage is relationships:

The foundation of relationships is laid from the time one  is born, how one is nurtured from childhood, to the present adulthood, what was the thought process of the elderly at home, how they delved with each and every member of the family. Were the men folk autocratic/ aristocratic , dogmatic,  or authoritarian?   Were they sanguine, choleric, melancholic or phlegmatic?.

The influence of the school, the folks one meets and greets in the environment as one grows up, and then his /her own evolving thought process n psyche as it develops.

All this forms an integral basis on how an individual will get along with his/ her own spouse-

Before we come down to the topic of the day,

Before we get down to the nitty gritty of the day,

Lets all do an exercise:

Please read this , then enact what I’m going to write about now:

Make yourself comfortable  in your chairs, Loosen up if you are tense, both physically as also mentally,  give yourself up to the moment, and yes, kindly shut your eyes;

IMAGINE—

Imagine “U” are on a flight into your past,

See yourself as a Bonney cuddly child-

See your parents, brothers & sisters fondly cuddling you day n night,

Next-

See yourself as a 6 years old-

See how your Bhua / Masi dressing you up for school-

See how your neighbor’s son teased you, and how you retaliated by puncturing the tyre’s of his father’s old jalopy!

Look back to the day, when you had wet your pajamas, when you were NINE years old!  and how your Taiji just smiled and turned a blind eye;

Remember the time you had picked up your uncle’s bicycle, and accidently bashed it against a tree, and when questioned, how you put the blame on your Masi’s son.

Next-

-See yourself at College. How you bunked classes to go for a date,

How you pataowed your Teacher and the clerks to cover up the lost attendance;

                                 EXAMPLE—1

                                                                Your immediate relatives

                                                                Your not so immediate relatives

All these people                                   your neighbours

                                                                Your contacts at

                               School                play              college                 work

             EXAMPLE—2

                                                       weakness

Know ’U’ for your

                                                       Strengths  

                                                                              depression

Known & shared your moments of  

                                                                               triumphs

These people mentioned above have seen “U” grow. Seen your psyche develop and metamorphose-

You may have been a very intelligent child /or  may have been a very timid child or may have been very violent at times.

 Good/bad/Ugly, you were accepted by them all. This network of relationships has left a definite signature and impact on your personality. Some contours of your personality may be smooth, while some may not be so.

The DYE is cast, Your dye is cast. All this  while we have been analyzing about you, yourself  .  Here I’m referring to You -yourself alone!!!

Let us now look at another set of relationships:   With  you at the  center, now lets   relate with your circle of contacts                    

Can u see a man/ any man, in your circle  of contacts, can u see him related to all / any/ or many of these.

Obviously you have known most of them . Your father, mother, brother or sister for  as many years as the length of your life-  You would  have shared so much of  happiness, and may be quite   a few episodes of  sorrow also together. Some grave incident, or a cumulative effect of some  adverse  and challenging issues–something may have just snapped; the smooth sailing relationship  suddenly came to a grinding halt!!

Lets take a case in particular: say it is a FATHER:

He may have terrorized over his own daughter, he may have tormented / bullied his own son;

Now if we consider an individual::

He may have fought with his own siblings, may be to amass wealth illegally, he may want to overpower his own brother. He may have thrown out his prodigal son

In such a dilemma:

What do you see?

What did you as an individual observe?

Isn’t there so much of sorrow/ sadness/ anguish/ & Remorse?

Yes, there is, and plenty of it!!!

Now carefully look again—-Did an actual break up really take place? Did an actual separation really happen?

OF COURSE NOT!!!!

Yes : This incident would definitely lead to some palpable changes_

There would be hurt, discomfort, tension, anger and all that is associated with such incidents.

BUT- the irony is, that while there would be immediate and palpable tension between the affected parties,

There was no great loss to family & face

No great loss to Society ,be it sorrow or grace.

 There may be some amount of material/ and financial  loss, but heavens would have not fallen!!

Things n situations would soon be rectified. Other than it becoming a talking point amongst the members of the society / community,-  No great Social deprivation or Bycot  really took place.

Have you  noticed, we are as yet talking about you alone,

You as an individual, you who, through your physical  & mental shapes of development right from birth to a mature adult

You with your  set of relatives,

You with your set of contacts;

See yourself—observe yourself–

You are the by product of the environment that all these relations have made you-

The Dye is CAST

All this while that you have been talking , speaking, analyzing about yourself,

Your  DYE has been cast.

Slide—5

MALE DYE CAST

FEMALE DYE CAST

Now lets take a different scenario–

LETS NOW -talk about Marriage:

When two different individuals,  two diff personalities, two diff personalities of two diff & diverse backgrounds with a different circle of relatives & contacts-

 Two different personalities:: You & your Spouse-

Suddenly come together through the institution of marriage:

Lets look at this scenario in more details::

You decided to live together  for permanence

Friendship ,companionship, for achieving certain goals,

You decided to live together for starting a family

This social acceptance of man and woman, coming together with the concurrence of nears and dears invoking the blessings of the Almighty is called MARRIAGE.

Either you fell in love and got married ,or You got married and then- fell in love,

Either which ways- wasn’t it all very – very magical, very -very romantic!!

You delighted in being together, in doing things together; you delighted in sharing things together, you waited long hours into the midnight, waiting for him to come home.

Never minded cooking  and serving khana at 1 am in the morning.

Though from different diverse backgrounds, you revelled in your differences!!

You spent months learning about each other, exploring and approaching your differences, needs, preferences,  & behavioural patterns.

It seemed- in the first few months, first few years that love was eternal/ethereal, that love would last forever; You naively believed that you wouldn’t have to face and experience the tensions and trauma that some saw- their parents go through.  You never thought a breakdown could ever take place.

It all seemed like heavenly bliss

Bell..RRRRRRing