EPISODE -5
RELATIONSHIPS
This is my immediate family .My Father, My Mother, and my two brothers,
These are relatives by birth.
The other relationships you pick up when you get married, ie; a wife/husband ,
Along with his set of relatives that you get to interact with by virtue of marriage.
- You may have a blood relationship,or
b) Relationship by marriage, and or
c) You may even relate with any one & every one: be a relative or a contact.
Therefore… “ Relationship” broadly refers to any kind of connection/ association between two/ more people whether it is Romantic/ familial/ friendly/ or professional.
Relationships , thus broadly are the basis of life, the individual grows up rummaging, floating and growing from phase to phase and as he /she grows, he picks up substances of life that he learns from such interactions.
Lets further try to analyse:
Meaning of Relation/ Relationships/ Relatives/ Contacts n Friends:
To Relate -means to interact. To show or make a connection; feel sympathy, for, or identify with. To understand / to respond with another individual is also to relate. When man interacts, be it with people whom he befriends in school/ college/ play ground/ work place or be it acquaintances he picks up, while travelling to n fro, these interaction may develop into temporary/ quasi permanent / permanent relationships.
The relative/ relationships also help u build character and help you grow up in mind n psychology. A lot depends upon what you have been able to learn and how; how you have conducted your self along the path of life, and in the bargain you have cemented your personality, your character and move on in the world as a mature individual.
Love/Like/ care/ concern/ empathy/ sympathy/ passion/ are emotions that reign high in relationships, with varying degrees .
Hate/ anger/ unconcern/ apathy/casual/indifference/taken for granted are some other emotions that you can also see in the same families/ groups.
Yet again, pride/ haughtiness/ pomposity/ego/ are some emotions that can be palpable in a few groups.
A family may be very united, they may shower loads of affection on each other, they may be ready to take on extra commitments for the members of the same/ different community, in situations of duress.
But you have to realise that this is a very dynamic world, so much is happening so very fast:
As life carries on, in the world that we live in, the relationships that may be easy n comfortable , you may suddenly find have turned sour. The daggers may be drawn out, tempers may be frayed, you may not see eye to eye with the best of friend/ sibling.
Where has the friendship just vanished, how come the “dosti” has flown out of the window!!!
How come you just cannot stand that person who was your bosom pal just a few days ago?
Thousand’s of people will come forward with their versions of making/ breaking of the best of Relationships!
What is the root cause?
Have you ever pondered over this?
I’m sure u have. Have you come to some sort of a reasonable explanation that u feel is the reason of making/ breaking of a relationship that was very warm/ close and lovable for years;
Suddenly —All gone kaput!!
Left you broken and /or desolate / or angry. Left you worried and in a huge void.
If you cannot come to terms with the present scenario, if you cannot reach out to your once very close pal/ friend/ you may get anxious/ worried/ or even get into depression!!!
You do want to make amends, you do want the relationship to improve, but then something is stopping you or the other partner in this game.
Is it Ego??
Yet again, despite the soured n severed relationship, when you find that your shoulder on which you cried on, is NOW NOT THERE….., yet you yearn for some one. Base line is that we cannot do without relating with people. We still need a friend/ a brother/ a colleague/ a sibling a relative to hold your hand.
To put it bluntly:
Man is a SOCIAL ANIMAL. He always lives in the company of others. Be it your immed. / extended family, your colony/ your community, Be it in big towns/ cities , or smaller populated places like villages or tribes, he will always require some one to interact with.
He will become lonely if he has to live all by himself. This also means that he does need a Society in which he belongs; he has to be part of a group of people/ be it, friends/ relatives or colleagues, ie: he definitely needs to be part of a society.
A lot can be written/ spoken about Society, need for society and comradeship and companionship.
To put one WORD::
Relationships are the BEDROCK of any society, shaping how individuals interact, or organise themselves.
So NOW, here, we are going to focus only on Relationships:
We shall deal with each case individually as we move on in my episodes.
Broadly speaking Relationships may be of following criteria:
Familial: Relationship between family members, such as parents, children, siblings or other relatives.
Friendship:
A group of individuals that come together , being bound by work/ or togetherness brought about by being fellow students, or as part of some groups pursuing a common goal.
Could also be because of mutual , respect, people who have common interests, enjoy each others company and also support each other in times of need, as also characterised by kindness, and warmth
and a feeling of “ ….Bon ‘hominess between friends that have now turned into a family!!!
Romantic: A lot can be written about this. Basically characterised by deep feelings of love, affection, and attraction, often with potential intimacy and commitment.
It can include feelings of infatuation, passion, and a desire to share one’s life with the other person. They normally evolve over time and some may develop into permanent relationships!!
Professional: This type of relationship which is actually an interpersonal connection between individuals in a business/ work setting, typically characterised by a focus on shared goals, clear communication and mutual respect.
Others: These are those relationships that are beyond the common types. These include: latonic / casual relationships and also relationship with pets .Here also , there can be an Emotional bonding.
Maintaining Relationships:
This is the most difficult of alllll.
Some are givers ..they keep giving all their life.!
Others are users- they keep using others to augur in their own agendas.
But when things go awary, hell gets hell gets the better of you.
The base line is how you relate to one another.
RELATABILITY:
Relatability of one major relative with members of the same family:::
Lets take the case of a lady, or a gentle man:
They have offsprings:
1)How a mother will relate to a child? How she will relate to all her children .
How she will relate to other kids of the same family ( Nieces/ nephews)
2)How a father will relate to his kids and other nieces and nephews of the family.
3)How a big brother relates with rest of the kids .
4)How uncles / aunts relate with the full family at large?
Maintaining relationships is one of the most difficult of all acts and deeds. You may put in your best, you may do what you think is right, what is the need of the hour, what is expected out of you;
There may be moments when what you have done/ given as an act or endeavour, will be accepted happily : you might even get appreciation ( may be verbal/ non verbal); may be just a nod/ or a smile; Yet on many an occasion, your act just may not be accepted with the same level of vibing, with which you as the giver have given.
Another situation:
To ‘give in’ to the incessant demand of the other: be it voluntarily/ or under peer pressure; To give in willingly, or under subjugation, threat or coercion, is again a matter that can mar a relationship.
There are instances and plenty of case studies where in, an individual ( I can quote many a case especially in female cases) may have constantly, repeatedly been a silent and mute giver, just with the intent of maintaining peaceful relationship, and when the water just went over her head and she could take it no more, she buckled under pressure:
Crashing down all her ace points that she may have aggregated over the years.
When we talk of relationships. It actually means- How we are going to relate to the person concerned.
For this, we should be sure how to approach the individual? We should know what we need to ask of him. We should know in what tone we need to address him. And we should also be prepared for any/ or many of the answers.
Again, It depends with what frame of mind we have approached the individual. Was he or she in a receptive mood to understand what you are going to say?
It also depends how the relationship between the two individuals is? If there is lots of respect between the two , the receiver will probably listen to the individual with rapt attention and try to understand what the giver is trying to say; But ,if it is the other way round, then he or she may not be in a receptive mood. In this case all the efforts made by the giver will be nonplussed. So therefore, We should understand. when and how We are going to approach that individual.
It’s a fine invisible thread that can just snap and make / mar your relationships.
I mentioned just a little while ago that the best of relations at times see an abrupt ending. This may have mild/ moderate or severe fall outs.
So lets now classify them with a two fold dimension :
Healthy and unhealthy relationships
Healthy is when every this is ROSY all around. But when there are certain challenges, or some considerations are surfacing that require either negotiations or addressing to as soon as possible, and these are being ignored for the longest of times, then relations may take a ghastly turn.
Challenges n considerations:
They are plenty:
Basically this refers to difficulties and issues that can arise in any type of interpersonal relationship be it romantic or otherwise!!
Some common challenges are: Infidelity, communication difficulties, coping with stress, and financial pressures.
Intamacy:
It can be physical, emotional., intellectual and spiritual intimacy. Intimate relationships do not only mean romantic / Intimate relationships Emotional closeness, trust and shared experiences/ sexual intimacy can also exist in family relationships.
So now to tabulate further, Relationships can thus be classified further as the following:
- Family.
- Friendships ( with /without benefits)& acquaintances.
- Sexual Relationships/ Asexual Relationships/ Poly amorous relationships.
- Casual Relationships/Open Relationships.
- Work relationships/professional Relationships.
- Situational relationships also called as Situationships.
- Romantic partnerships/Platonic relationships/ Long distance relationships.
- Some more criteria’s are now unfolding, we shall discuss them by & by.
Lets discuss a few examples:
In the case of Husband & Wife:
Relationships should be 50/50:
In yester years , it was a norm that while the husband who was labelled as the bread winner would go out, earn and bring finances home, the woman would stay at home, feed the brood and look after the maintenance of the hearth and home.
But these days , it is a different ball game all together. 90 % of couples are both income earners. They have strong desires n want to live like LORDS!!
So:
Both Partners, if both are earning, need to contribute equally-emotionally / financially/ and in any other way that matters. It doesn’t mean that while one partner carries the load the other just coasts along! It is about Team work where both give their best to support each other.
Another example: SIBLINGS
In the case of Three earning sons:
If it is a joint family, and all grown up kids are earning well, then all should contribute equally to the house finances, for effective running of the house economics.
This balance prevents exhaustion and ensures that no one feels overwhelmed and or drained.
There are scores of day to day examples that all of us can narrate, suffice to say:
One main criteria of great importance is ::
The members of a family/ group/ need to understand each other’s desires and expectations.
The best of relations can go suddenly go berserk.
Thus any/ many of the factors can make a good, happy, healthy, relationship go sour.
The healthy relationship can become UNHEALTHY.
Lets now understand what we really mean by Healthy/ Vs/ Unhealthy Relationships.
Their dynamics can vary depending on the individuals involved and the context.
CHARACTERISTICS OF Relationships:
Some key characteristics of a Healthy Relationship are:
Mutual Trust and Honesty
Respect
Open communication
Mutual Support
Shared values n goals
Commitment
Boundaries
Empathy and kindness
Respect of the partners Individuality.
WHY DO RELATIONSHIPS GO WRONG?
Poor communication: You stop talking to/ with your partner, or you talk less, thus many a times, you lose out on imp messages that need to be conveyed to the partner, and in the bargain, if some thing important is not conveyed on time( because you have either been very angry and chose not to convey or EGO took the bigger role and you chose to not convey. Either which ways, if some thing imp is missed and a big Goof Up happens, this will lead to more escalation of tempers, more fights and the situation can get from bad to worse.
Loss of trust:
(Biggest reason)
When the partner has let you down on quite a few occasions. When he/she has not met with your expectations, When having promised to be on time he has repeatedly let it go, when he/ she has cheated on you, >>>>> there comes a state …..of…Loss of Trust
Now this is a state and stage that is a border line: It , if corrected immediately as soon as you realise, can save the situation or if ignored can lead to more escalation of already tense circumstances and may be the impending stage of situations getting out of hand. This is the RED FLAG STAGE
Conflicting values:
Everyone has his own set of rules which he follows, he has set certain parameters for himself. Now, among two individuals there is a demarcating line that sets the two apart and that is their own set of principles that he/ she have laid down for them selves.
Many a times to run a smooth harmonious relationship, some odd principles of one may come in the way of the other. How to mend, deviate, circumvent, or choose an alternate path, so there are minimal conflicting issues, will be the base line that will lead to a smoother path of peace n harmony.
But if the conflicting values are too strong, superimposed by the aura of the relationship, the status, the age of one individual over that of the other, or the status of one in social/ financial back drop, any / many of such interludes can become big conflicting issues and can make / break a heathy R
Lack of intimacy:
This is specific for Man and his Wife;
May a reason, Busy schedule, cut throat competition, over ambitious temperament, the urge to become rich very fast, over worked schedule, too much travel, night duties, lack of privacy, joint families, scarcity of space, too much drinking, noisy, bullying partner>>>> any many reasons can lead to lack of intimacy.
Isn’t this one of the important reasons that shroud many a married couple these days.
We can keep listing so many reasons that can make / break relationships, but suffice to say: The list is end less.
In addition to this
Relational abuse
Narcissism
Jealousies and Possessiveness
Neglect of a relationship( lack of priority/ lack of effort/
Some other factors could be:
Previous trauma
Infidelity
Failure to rebuild trust
In a Bullet form they can be enlisted like this tabular form:
Characteristics that you normally find in Healthy Vs Unhealthy relationships
WHAT HAPPENS THEN?
Do you expect the same love, care , concern to carry on in spite of one/ two/ any / many of the above mentioned situations?
Obviously NOT!!!
So then what follows :
A mental state which could be Decreased happiness ,Increased stress n anxiety, Even physical n mental issues, Emotional distress, Anxiety ,depression, n loneliness. Low self esteem, Difficulty in trusting, Resentment and or anger.
To add to it all, Body that is made of Mind /Body/ & Soul, also will show certain
Physical impacts:…. Inflammation n chronic disease, Exhaustion, Self neglect, insomnia, anorexia and many more. All this will obviously lead to certain dynamics of relationships that will now get altered.
There may be some fall outs:
Lack of intimacy poor communication, Power struggles , often which may lead to Unrealistic expectations. This may also lead to Lack of respect, confliction arguments that become very frequent and may catapult to BLAME GAME and Abusive dialogues. At times these may also erupt to violence and physical tyranny.
So what is the crux?
Is it sibling rivalry?
Is it cut throat competition?
Is it pride ?
Is it again EGO which is the root cause of all trouble???
When Relationships sour, does it mean this is an end of that relationship.
How does it impact the affected people? Do they get more aggrieved? Does it only affect the two warring individuals ? Does it affect the kids?
Or does it affect the full family at large?
Does the situation in life get more complex with a break in a important relationships?
Yes. It definitely does!!!
But there is a difference between breakages in relationships between relative/ friends / colleagues. And that of a break up between Man & Wife.
We will slowly now discuss the complexities in the next few episodes
Do look out for more such stories.
Bad Relationship—————————————————-How do we improve it????
Care without Hesitation
Remember without Limitations
Remain the same without Communication
And many more you can add…..++++++++++++++++
Lets see which Relationship I will talk about , in my forth coming episode.
What would u like to discuss???
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