WHAT  LIFE IS SO COMPLEX? ep 7

  EPISODE  7

                               WHAT HAPPENS WHEN RELATIONS      BETWEEN FATHER & CHILD SOUR??

Now, having written and discussed the most pious of all relationships- ie: That of Mother & Child, I now want to write a few points on Father and child.

Paternal Bond:  is the true name of the relationship between father n child. A crucial bond that significantly impacts a child’ s development and well being. It is a multi faceted relationship involving emotional, social n cognitive development. Father’s play a significant role in shaping the child’s sense of “ self”

Some key factors are:

Involvement  and presence:

As a mother immediately starts to bond with the unborn child ,  by the time the baby is delivered she is already a full blown mother with all maternal instincts at higher scales.

This is not so in the case of a man.

Realisation dawns on him slowly and steadily. He is a macho oriented guy and it will take him time to starts thinking and conceptualising that he is now , besides a son/ brother/ nephew, grand son, he is also the creator of another human being!!!!

The moment this dawns on him, the more and more he starts to think on these lines, his involvement will slowly and steadily increase.

In days gone by, men hardly showed their emotions or feelings; how ever, they are quite vocal about all this now.  Infact   there is more planning / strategizing, and going to the doctor for frequent visits together, all this helps him get more n more involved!!

Emotional support: This is very crucial for the child’s healthy development, fostering a sense of security, self esteem and  resilience.

Father’s genuine interest in the child’s thought’s n feelings-

 Validation of child’s emotions . Child needs  to feel wanted.

Consistent  presence…being there when child needs u most.

Positive role modelling…a father who manages his emotions effectively and treats others with respect serve as role models for their kids.

Open communication….creating an environment where kids feel comfortable and freely talk of the inner most thoughts/ doubts n fears

Shared interests:

Engaging in activities together like games/ cricket/ base ball/ Ludo or a computer game;

All this leads to a Bonding  that will help them grow together.

But what happens when the relations are not good?

A child’s  confession:

Parents provide me with all essentials, but no emotional support.

………………….do…………………………………but only shower love on their male children.

Children need touch/ kindness/ and empathy even more than bed/ food and clothes.

If I start to write I can write so many reasons why the children start to stretch away from their fathers. And you too may have so many to add.

When kids are very small, they need fatherly support as they are  growing up, >>>> bonding starts.

For a few fathers -it’s a duty to tend to the kids, for some- it’s a get away from their own busy schedule, for some : they too start to enjoy the sports activities n time with the kids, all this ensues greater binding between father and child.

Here , Id like to mention that I see my son snatch away some couple of hours each week as and when his son has a tournament and wants his father to attend.

Since it is his own enterprise I see he some how manages to create a little time as and when its unavoidable. I see my D-in -law doing the same despite her hurricane like schedule. Together they try and give him as much time as they can.

But as the kids are growing, as they reach the teenager stage, as they make more friends who teach them and coax n guide them through other pass times n newer pastures,  So inadvertently the kids some how get distanced from the father.

Fathers are mirror images for  their kids esp ‘Son’s”.

Parents esp father’s  want their kids to do/ become what they have decided they should do, as n when they grow up. If kids do not want/ do not desire,/ are incapable of  achieving what their fathers want them to do….( some ) do not take it kindly and thus the mental divide increases.

Low self esteem and low self worth:

Repeated low academic records, for what ever the reasons may be, are not taken kindly by the father. In such a case: chiding/ anger talks, expressions on moralistic behaviour and pattern start from father to child.

If the child gets into undesirable situations and the father neither has the time, empathy, nor concern for the child.. to take time out and sit on a one on one father and child counselling, – this too can become another reason to stretch the divide!!!

Difficulty regulating emotions:

This is a two way phenomena. Father may not have patience, father may be short tempered. Father may have very high expectations: Out bursts of anger>>>> where does this lead to>>> Either the child starts moving into his own self created shell, or  he refuses to come in front of the parent, or starts seeking company and solace outside ; and in the bargain picks up wrong ideas and starts to nurture adverse notion about his own father.

Increased anxiety and depression:

When his needs are not addressed,  and this kind of   activity becomes a recurring feature, the child starts to show signs of anxiety; heightened levels of irritation, occasional anger outbursts, and many a similar signs and symptoms start cropping up including looking for isolation, avoidance of family ,the child does not get solace>>> so starts looking for it outside!!!…. or he avoids one and all and gets into long spells of isolation that can be labelled as Depression.

Fear of rejection and abandonment:

The fact- that he is a NON performer, often chided over by elders, fear of constantly being compared with other siblings and cousins, often leads to a love- hate relationship with the father, and either he will abandon himself voluntarily or the family may start to ignore him in the light of his being a non performer!!!

Difficulty forming healthy attachments:

The above n many other incidents that do not go in accordance  with the child’s mind set, often weaken his bond with other contacts ..be it relatives/ friends. Because of his own  lowered self esteem he may not form healthy attachments with others.

Academic challenges  :

With so much on the home front, its but natural that his academics and his performance will take a deep dent, another created vicious circle of circumstances that will further sour relations with the father/ parent .

Ego/ pride n expectation from father off his son:

Father is a go getter!!!

A high scaled CEO of one of the big conglomerates.  Caught in his own busy world, wired all around with expectations from within and without, He himself may have aspired for successes from his progeny, yet he himself may have faltered in delivering the time / space/  for this child.

His ego/ His pride did not let him think inwards, think what went wrong n how?

When he is faced such torrid a scenario , when he came face to face with the situation at home- he then blamed either his wife for not having mentored the child/ or the child himself for not measuring up to his expectations.

He may want his son to walk in his foot steps but the son probably just wants to be a cricketer / musician.

Kids at times feel they cannot confide in the father. They then look else where. All this will naturally sour relations between father and child.

What are the benefits of a HEALTHY FATHER & CHILD RELATIONSHIP”

Improved  self esteem,

Better social skills,

Reduced risk of behavioural problems,

Positive Academic outcomes,&

Increased resilience.

What are the tips of strengthening Father and child relationship?

Spend Q time together:

Communicate openly and honestly, show affection and support, be a positive role model & seek help when needed.

Father n daughter:

This is a unique relationship. One of the most precious and unique connections that exist. It is characterised by trust love and companionship , built on the foundation of mutual  understanding and support. We know she will always be a daddy’s girl.

Through out history and across all cultures, this Relationship  has been celebrated for its significance in shaping the daughters life and her journey towards self discovery.

Nurturing and protection

Unconditional love and emotional support

Confidence and self esteem

Some quotes I have heard:

“ I am my father’s princess “…..

“My father treats me as a princess.”

“I just adore my Dad!!”

Amusingly,  Most girls compare their spouse with their fathers.

The girls can hear nothing against their father. They are ready with sharpened daggers , ready to uphold any one  who but dares to speak anything adverse about him.

Even their own mother has no right to rebuke her father and or speak slightly about him.

A Daughter feels it is only she who has the whole n sole ownership to check mate her father if at all!!!

( My daughter!!! Too is a cardinal example!!!)

Hi

Friends ….

I do not have to prove a point!!

I have seen in my own life–

My father till date was my IDOL, My best mentor, my guide my philosopher.

I now, see it in my daughter’s eyes for her father, I see the same in my D.i.laws acts and demeanour as she speaks about her father.

I’m sure all will agree–

This is one relationship, that is as close as  that of a  mother and her sons.

Incomparable, uncontested,  magical  and  superlatively adorable!!

Now ,what about a Father and his son/ sons?

How would u like to take that to explain?

If I speak from my heart n my experience:

A Child as a toddler needs the mother the most, but as he is growing up, as he is picking up awareness and seeing the world, his father comes into his focus.

He then slowly n steadily gravitates towards him. Be it a masculinity effect, a attraction of all that the father stands for::

Provider, head of the family, benefactor,

Commanding personality,  or a bread winner-

As a teenager the child start as to idolise him, starts to emulate him. I’ve seen some kids who start to even walk with the same mannerisms of his father, I’ve noticed my own younger brother who used to emulate our father, and put his hands right behind his back ( small of the back) and  walk  in the ditto style-when he wanted to ruminate  and analyse what was going on in his mind! That’s what our father used to do in the evenings when he was pensive : He would pace around the house, all quite and deep in thought . My brother picked up this from him.

On my part, I used to idolise over him. He was my mentor, my best friend philosopher and guide. I learnt the art of good oratory, from him. He always told me to speak slowly, deliberately, and modulate my pitch as and when there was an exclamatory   comment; and also raise my eyebrows when looking for an answer  for a query, from  the audience.

To stop my speech in between , when ever there was a bout of laughter from the audience ( giving them chance to laugh their heart out ) to recontinue when the audience quietens down.

I always found him exact, to the point and very correct.

I idolise him to DATE!!!

The Mother / daughter relationship-

  Since I was the only female child, a lot of burden fell on my shoulders.

My mother during my  5th-10/11^th.. classes was  preety  unwell for many a reason , and I had to do the evening dinners. If u read a few of my articles  titld-“ me & myself” esp the first  and 2 nd episode- I have explained there in how i used to make dinners , and tend to the house as I was growing up!!

Never questioned -why only me. It was kind of understood that if MOM cannot do dinner, I had to do it. Some friends would however mock at me and say- oh! She can’t come for a walk/ badminton session. She has to cook dinner.

Then there came a time when I married the man of my choice, at a time when I was studying medicine. She was wild, furious, and boycott me totally.

Yes- that was a bad period of time we both  faced.

There was annoyance on her part _ Why I needed to  talk of the  new man in my life  in the middle of my studies? Were my studies not imp. any more?

What is LOVE? She never could understand!!

We two had a  torn and fragmented relationship. The cementing factor were my brothers n my father.

Any ways , this is another huge chapter of my LIFE!!!

But I need to point out here that relations took a U Turn with the advent of my daughter in our lives. She came to visit us in Wellington and then there was no going back.

Nut shell is … Never give up! Strive .. strive and always strive to bridge the GAP.

Well —-idea was to put forward reasons that sour the parent and child relationship.

But I could not but help write some odd snippets of my own life and family!!!

I’ve touched on some issues, I felt pertinent. Please feel free to add more…

Adieu till the next one………….

Good parenting Vs Bad parenting

My next topic will be based on SIBLINGS……………..