WHY IS LIFE SO COMPLEX? EP 6

EPISODE 6

MOTHER &CHILD RELATIONSHIP?

THIS is supposed to be the most pious, most sacred , most revered Relationship that ever existed. Be it man or monkey. A Bird or a Bee or Be it a wee little  insect or a huge anthropoid!!

Or even  a  Human or a mammal!!

The Relationship between Mother n Child is  the most sacred of them all!!!

                        Where Love abounds ….                                                                             

Ever seen a dog so protective of her wee one, ….Ever seen a bird feeding the little chicks?

Be it a huge elephant/ a tigress/ a reptile or a human , the sentiments that flow from mother to her off spring, are to be seen, felt , and imbibed.

The feelings that emerge, the warmth, the care , the protectiveness that flows out can be well phathomed when you happen to see a child in distress, how ferociously protective the mother then becomes.

When the child is a wee infant he/ she depends wholly and solely on his mother.

As he becomes a toddler and starts exploring the environment, some awareness happens and he then realises that there are others around , who are part of the family he belongs to.

Thus, he then may turn to others and others also become part of his existence.

In spite of it all, he still turns to his mother in times of need , be it feed or any other requirement.

The mother on her part gives 90% of her time to the new arrival, and thus the bond gets doubly strengthened.

A lot can be written about the mother n child relationship. Many great writers have written a lot. But today I want to draw your attention to sudden souring of relations that may occur between  mother and her child!!

Who is to blame?

Why did this happen? What triggered this situation?

Lets sit and analyse…why it happens in the first place?.

A no of reasons can be put forward:

The expectancy n expectation, are different today from what they were earlier. A couple of decades ago, things started to modernise with a galvanic momentum. The education, the awareness, the information started to increase with leaps and bounds.

The desires, the ambitions of the children grew tremendous. If parents were not able to meet the increasing demands of children, the children started to voice their displeasures, like wise, the parenting in most cases became very strict ( seeing the various varieties of extra curricular activities that came into the accessibility zone of the children ).  On the flip side, with desire to meet up to the kids expectations , the parents in most cases started to do double shifts n  double jobs to earn extra, ( in the bargain, they could not give extra time to the kids) and this in most cases, left a big void in between both parties , and many a cases the kids got out of hand and into activities that were- may be anti social, and the fear of being caught , further distanced them from their parents.

On the other hand, if the mother got involved with the smaller kids and could not give time to the elder one, who probably was / is passing through a phase, where she requires extra time with her mom, she may then get into anxiety phase, may get angry, or later on ,  get so distressed so as to start throwing tantrums.

Any thing can happen!!!

Another eg:

A  daughter comes home , excited , that she had gotten a trophy, but on arrival saw that the  mother was too involved with relatives that had come home, She just shrugged the daughter off by saying–

“Good,… but cannot talk right now, go change , come and help me…..”

If the daughter is a practical girl and has been on open conversation mode with her mom, she will probably understand; but then there may be a 20-30% chance, that if this kind of casual experience -she must have faced with her mom  a few times earlier also, this might just trigger a wrong notion  that had been dormant in the mind for quite some time earlier) and may then surface with sheer ferocity!!!!

You never know this might be a Red Flag that needs to be addressed asap, else it can be a death nell for a mother -daughter relationship!!!!

This is an eg. of a DISSMISSIVE MOTHER.

On another front there is a case of A CONTROLLNG MOTHER:

Such a  mother does not acknowledge her daughter the way she should- with love, care and affection.

May not give proper time to hear her out, may not give thought / consideration to the ideas / plans that the daughter has put forward.

In due course , this will instill  a sense of insecurity and helplessness in the offspring.

Most of the time , the mother feels she has not heeded the daughter; may be because it was not right  for the child ,so she may start to suggest- ways qnd means that  she feels are right for her child. They may be appropriate, they may not be according to child—that’s where the conflicts creep -in’

The message that  -also transcends- is that the child is inadequate, cannot be trusted upon, or cannot be trusted to exercise good judgement.  That she would simply flounder and fail without the mothers guidance!!!!

Again, there can be   the case of  yet another situation that can label the woman as —–

“AN EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE MOTHER”

A mother who suddenly withdraws  at a daughters approach, or one who withholds love from one while she continues to shower same on the other child.

This can include lack of physical contact ( No hugging/ kissing, No comforting…)

The mother feels– that since the elder one is almost a teenager, she need not hug her when both kids come home from school, yet , continues to shower same demonstrativeness on to the smaller kid, smothering him with hugs/ kisses!!!… while totally ignoring the elder one. What do u think the elder one will feel?

What will happen to the psyche of the child who has to face this quite frequently?

A Toxic Mother:

She is a parent whose behaviour consistently undermines, demeans, or emotionally harms the child, often laying emphasis on their own needs over the child’s well being.

This can manifest in many ways: —emotional manipulation, excessive criticism, lack of empathy, and/or an inability to respect boundaries.

Mother may be Self centred, Mother may be prone to dramatic outbursts, unpredictable behaviour, excessive  display of emotion.

May be herself  deep into levels of anxiety , and /or depression.

A child of such a Mother may show Low self esteem. Living with a toxic mother can be a challenging form of  behaviour , and she , may also suffer from emotional intimacy.

Such a child may find it difficult to trust others easily,: emotional wounds inflicted on the child may impact the emotional development  and well being through out  life.

Like wise there may be many a reasons when the Mother & child relation (that is actually a very pious bond ),    over a period of time , over a no. of oft repeated  such incidents, callously repeated without much thought on how this act / submission would impact their relationship, can mar the best  of relationships!!!

Now on the flip side  –lets consider the situation a little differently:

Lets consider the callous, casual feelings, the urge to make their own presence felt, the power clinging game that the child wants to inflict on the Mother.

He may just want to overpower his own mother, emotionally, psychologically, to achieve  his own agendas.

There would definitely be a no. of causative factors that may make him do that:

Influence of Peers at School/ Play ground/ Relatives who slowly infuse in the child wrong principles and doctrines.

He may want more money from his mother, for reasons that he would not care to explain. He would want to be a bully over his younger siblings, he would have seen his father be too casual towards their mother, The father who would not respect his wife, would rebuke her in front of elders / family. If that is the order of the family, then if he is not taught what is right from wrong, no one explains to the children the need for social and family etiquette, the respect that must be showered to both elders n youngsters………., the child may grow up differently. Such a child may find the mother as the weaker sex, likely to buckle under pressure, and would start fighting, putting psychological pressure on the mother to achieve his own short visioned goals!!!!

Again, there may be a case, where in- the young man/ woman has,  over the period of time, risen up the ladder, done well in studies, picked up a good job and quickly risen up the  in position and station, added successes to his name; but in the bargain- pomposity, pride, pseudo confidence,  haughtiness may creep in !!

At times , these qualities take the worse side in the psychology of man, and he not only would exhibit such traits amongst office and colleagues, as also they may transcend into the family as well>>>> this can then create havoc in the simple and happy go lucky home!!!

This can be a death nell for the Mother and child relationship also, because, if the mother is rebuked too often by her child ( that child whom she nursed and groomed) ; who has suddenly become so callous in his dealings towards his mother, that he has totally taken her for granted.

Really–

A mother asks for very little:

Love, care, concern and a pleasant smile>>>>>>>

In essence -a healthy mother & child relationship requires Mutual respect, empathy and effective communication with a willingness to adapt to the changing needs of both mother and child through out their lives.

A lot can be written about a Mother and child relationship.

This being the most pious of all Relationships, needs to be nurtured at all levels.

In  days gone by, Mother’s accepted their role with equanimity. They even accepted being taken for granted. They were not as well read as they are today. They were not income earning as they are today. They were also not given a leader ship position in their homes.

But todays Mother is a woman of substance, a sterling smart, suave, strong woman who knows what her rights are. Who knows how to handle many a situations. Even if she is semi – literate, she is not  totally ignorant.( thanks to the internet and what’s app boom- She is very well informed!!

Thus, a mother of today, while she play her role of a mother, wife, D-in-law, daughter, niece, aunt, or goes about doing her job( what ever she does to augment her family income) she brooks no nonsense;

She is capable enough to handle most of the aberrations that the child may face up with, those that she cannot, she seeks refuge within the family  via elders/ teachers/ peers.

And, if there are some drastic cases ( some of which I have enumerated/ or u may like to add) she  may also start cooling off in her emoting that extra love n affection, which she gloriously showered  with on  earlier occasions.

 Yes SIR,

A Mother needs to be handled with care!!!

Lets now see the flip scenario:  If the mother is the causative agent to inflict situations that have created a big void in the mother and child relation ship, my recommendation is that the child and the family must seek  psycho-social help ( first from within the family>… then outside help) to help her get out of this horrid situation. Remember, it is the same lady who nursed you when you were a wee little child, through your growing up stages, and helped you largely  become what you are today.

So- stand tall in heart and spirit. Get help for your mother and Love her unconditionally.

This is a different topic for yet another day & date.

Right now its all about a

Mother and her Love for her CHILD

My next episode will be on father and Child.

Lets see how and which way my thoughts flow…….