Complexity no.20

                                          SO WHY THE MARITAL DISCORD ????

In continuation to where I left off in my previous article regarding  owning to our kids/ family and ourselves a healthy relationship in marriage, lets try and analyze…what are the main causative reasons that bring us to the brink:::

Now that we are taking about MD, let me apprise you that this script was written by me some 25 years ago. Has  the situation improved or further deteriorated?///

Let me tell you friends that the situation has under gone a galvanic, infact a volacanic proportion.

 Phenomenal level of developments have taken place.

The well read girls, the girls who thought      that they wanted to be professional women, were are scared of marriage ( since they have seen their older siblings/ elderly friends/ relatives being crushed by the marital pressures. Saw that their position/ their station was grossly undermined. That they had lost their identity, had got totally submerged in the humdrum of the daily chores that a married life had embroiled them into.

Seeing is believing, and thus girls were/ are becoming wary of entering this situation. Yes, they do want to marry and settle down, But they are scared of the unknown, the scare of the aftermath, the fear of what will become of their identity, curtails even the most well intended girl to take this imperative step.

The men on the other hand also see– many a catch 22 situation among their brethren fellows, their colleagues, their seniors and their older relatives n friends.

They  too are a brazen  lot;  so used to their own independence, sacred of getting sandwiched with family ties on one side and self independence and personal growth on the hind sight!!!

In addition , when the very well intended young man does inter into wedlock, he at times gets submerged in a fracas, with a go getter wife, well into a professional career ,who also has exacting times at work;( she too is a professional, and her work requirements are such  that take her to travel, move in high society official and social parties, and this many a times is not palatable to the male EGO What then ,

What will be the outcome of such a situation where in they are not ready to strike a balance between work/ social commitments/ personal and familial mis adventures!!

Lets come abreast today.. Come abreast Now

What and how do u see the scenario NOW???

Friends , the situation is worse.

Firstly young boys and girls do not want to marry at all!!

They are already well into their professional arena’s, cosy   and comfortable n healthy on their purse pockets.

Independent, go getters, confident and enjoying their happy go lucky state…

Marriage is a commitment!!!

They are scared of commitments

They are seeing far too many cases of struggles and discords between family and friends.

The rate at which the discord percentage  is increasing, the rate at which the cases are seeking counsellor consultations and the rate at which the divorce cases are increasing in the court rooms is getting higher n higher.

Why does it happen at all?

Today’s scenario is that -when you have a son of marriageable age… he always declines the offer of marriage. So also is the case of women of today.

They are just not ready for marriage.

But why??

Today- girls are equally a well read lot. They too do not want to lose their independence and sense of freedom.

So then what to do

The BIG Q is

WHY THIS MARITAL DISCORD????

My mind runs like this>>>>

Marital Discord:

In the changing socio economic environment, wherein-education and affluence have become the hall mark of status in society—The desire for the women folk to work, pursue a career, to assert themselves—has lead to  differences in man & wife.  Their level of understanding is getting affected, which if not corrected , leads to disharmony.

The woman nowadays no longer wants to suffer in silence. Knowing her rights, she fights for an equal status and demands justice .

However , more often than not, it is she only who lands up at the receiving end—in this MAN DOMINATED SOCIETY!!!!—where in when she protests it is labelled as MARITAL DISCORD.

Many cases go unreported, It is only a miniscule that are rising up to seek redressal/ Justice.

Why talk of the general public. I’m an army officers wife, I my self have seen its rising incidence and its implications in the ARMED FORCES!!!

But have we given a thought to the reasons of MARITAL DISCORD? Lets look at some Major/ Minor cases:

And now to put it in an over all perspective:

Differing  values,

Job stress, external pressures by the  in  laws,

Personality clashes and so much more>>>

Common causes—

• Heightened Expectations from the spouse,
• Hectic work life >>>> Reduced Physical intimacy.
• If one of the spouses has an overbearing Controlling nature, it all adds up to more n more clashes.

 Some –Underlying factors—-

• Selfishness
• Lack of appreciation
• Power dynamics

When there are symptoms of communication problems/ unresolved resentments, one  adds up to the other and all get catapulted to enormous mental maladjustments, where clashes happen a little too often. Tempers get frayed, one is not in a position to listen to  the other. Their heightened n mounted work pressures make them shifty, aggressive, confused.

They do not want a confrontation, but short temperedness, anger, frustration all get aggravated by EGO and then there is no listening to reason.

One major cause  one needs to point out Now:

Commonest reason of MD-—physical harassment coupled with  dowry seeking, with women suffering from mild to moderate degree of depression. And if this is coupled with alcoholic addiction/ or substance abuse by torture, and psychological trauma for the female partner can be an added and common sequalae!!

There is not one way, one method, one strategy that can be adopted to cleanse this malaise….

I will begin here –some 3-4 pointers but this is a perineal saga , a Ramayan of scores of But/ parantu/ lekin Kintu.

How to work on this????

I’m only going to sensitise and leave you here::

Express your self properly

Focus on the positives

Identify your own faults

Make compromises where needed

If reqd- do not hesitate to seek outside help

Well then friends ………More in my next one!!!!

Look out for more

You too share some more of your stories….

This is a burning topic

A malaise that is plaguing the mind set today

Let’s all donn our Mental hats and try and find ways n means to create a harmonious balance in this beautiful relationship of man & His Wife

            Can we try to remain happy like this ????