Complexity No. 8

  Its All  About SIBLINGS

Lets look at some Q’s:

Who are Siblings?

Children born to one set of husband and wife are called each  other’s siblings.

It originated in Old English as “ sib”( meaning “ Kinship) combined with the suffix-“ling” signifying “ Family”.   It once meant any one who is related to u, but now it is reserved for children of the same parent/parents.

They share at least one common parent. A sibling is your brother or sister. This word Siblings was brought back into English vernacular in the 1900’s

Akhil & Shweta, the siblings & their parents

( US)

In a family, be it a Nuclear / Joint family, there are members that have a name and a title. They are bound to each other by a relationship. 

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When a child is born, the first child is called- FIRST BORN, after 3-5 years when a second child is born …he becomes the second born/ or later born. And if there are more after that, then the later born’s will carry the succeeding numerical nomenclature.

Since they have the same set of parents, They will probably have  a set no of similarities,  but some  differences between them will also be seen.. If now a third child comes along, he then gets labelled as the later born and the second born then don’s the title of Middle born.

To explain, Lets consider a family with three siblings:

Some basic differences :

Diff between First/ Second / last born

S.No	First born	Middle born	Last born
1.	Developmental advantage	May at times feel like an outsider/outcast	Feel disadvantaged Compared to the older siblings.
2.	Get  complete & rapt attention from parents	May carry a grudge against other siblings, coz of lack of attention by parents.	May either feel thoroughly pampered/or may be treated very leniently
3.	Exposed to more adult language	May feel stuck in the middle, may feel squeezed/ sand whiched between the elder / & younger born	They turn to be coaxing/ charming, become quite popular in comparison with other siblings
4.	Full and primary access to all resources	Caught in-between – he not getting enough attention- learns on his own	They may have attention seeking behaviour, and may be uncaring most of the time.
5.	Get maximum attention from parents	May strive to attain attention	May stoop to attention seeking tactics
6.	May become boisterous some times	May experience feeling of neglect>> low self esteem>>> rebellion	Become quite independant
7.	Act as a leader/ supervisor/ mentor	Sandwiched between them/ grows independant	Become a learner/ supervees

Their growing up phase is bound to be different. A lot depends upon the age difference between the children, the sex they belong to, their favouritism by father/ and or mother.

While a lot has been written / read and spoken about their undying love for each other , we are here trying to analyse the how’s and why’s of behavioural patterns that the children here labelled as SIBLINGS exhibit .

We need to study a  few terminologies  that will give us an insight into the classification/ types and psyche and performance of the siblings within a said family.

Classification of Siblings:

Can be classifies into several categories depending upon their Biological and social relationships.

S.No.	FULL SIBLINGS	HALF SIBLINGS	STEP-SIBLINGS	Adopted siblings	Twins	Three quarter siblings
1	Share same mother & father	Share same mother/ or father; Not both	Not biologically related, but  they are married to each other.	Legally related through adoption.	Two born from the same pregnancy	They have one common parent While one of their unshared parent , may be a sibling of the other parent.

Some more terms are also in circulation:

Foster siblings—May be siblings, may not ne, yet,those who are  made to stay  together in a family for a short / long period of time.

Religious Siblings:

Members of the same religious group, creating a sense of Kinship.( May not be related at all; but carry the same goal and agenda!!

Twins:

Identical twins share the same genes.

Blood siblings, Cross siblings, Pseudo siblings are some more that also need elaboration.

SIBLING RIVALRY

 But right now I’m here to discuss what goes  on in their lives and what n why do we see Sibling Rivalry so much in prevalence today?

Why is this topic gaining so much importance?

What can we  do to either try to nip it in the bud, or circumvent its advent and also lets today try and focus on ways how to minimise these rising conflicts!!
We know, , the Joint family structure has long since crumbled, there are no seniors  who used to be the real back bone of our families, who stood rock bottom straight and over saw all the activities of each and every member( Big/ small) and were always around  with a very watchful eye and ear to see, phathom, perceive any in advertent flutter that if neglected, may  escalate situations beyond our  control.

Well, now that we are left with only Nuclear families, small family size, double income earning parents, kids left more so on their own ; The money power, the independence being on the perpetual high, with lesser n lesser time that the parents have for their kids, the kids on the other hand being left more n more to themselves, have today learnt the art of living alone, or with siblings, and the digital media.

Who is to blame????

Lets get back to our topic of today:

THE SIBLINGS:

Positive plus points between siblings:

1. “My siblings are my best friends,”

2.         They say – “no matter how old u become     when  u are with your siblings, you actually revert back to childhood.”

3.“No sibling is perfect.”

4.“We love- we argue -we fight- We stop talking. but we know we are there for each other”

Sibling Relationships:

Siblings have a unique role in each others lives.

They are integral members of the same family, they do their day to day activities every day together, they probably sleep in the same room, and do share a lot of things together.

They grow to understand that they have a special bonding with each other. They grow to like / love each other. They kind of get interdependent on each other. Yes, there may be many an instances where they may not see eye to eye ,and yes, they may have a lot many verbal/ physical fights as well. There would be lucid intervals of abstract silence, interspersed with lots of play , fun and frolic. But as they grow along , some personality traits of one  may   overshadow the other;   some percentage of jealousies- vying for parental affection one over the other, may start to creep in, and things may start to go astray.

There are times when the elder born will act like a Mentor, or may even become a bully at times. There will be times when the parent starts to give more time to the second one *.

(since the second one may be very small) and jealousy emotion may take a higher scale  in the psyche of the elder one. ).

This can be a harbinger of tense relations between parents and the kids.

But, also seen are cases -where in parents  both go to work, (When parents are not around,) this phase    may see a sense of  companionship between the siblings , and the relationship may draw them closer.

Another version is that, since siblings often grow up in the same family and in the same house, they have maximum time exposure with each other, like -with other members of the same family. And this also may cement their closeness.

Thus in many a case the Siblings grow up cohesive and quite interdependent of each other, This reflects the cohesiveness within  the family.

The divide:

But despite the love , care and affection, Some cultural differences  also creep in and may create a divide. This divide may be prominent in some set phase / stage of life, or may even stretch through out the life span , may pan  right through — from  Infancy/ Childhood and moving further to adolescence and Adult hood.

 From childhood to adolescence you may see a protectiveness exhibiting more warmth  and support from the older sibling to the younger.

 During the Adolescence  – behaviour of siblings relationship may  change from stage to phase.

Yes……..Some characteristics remain, but a lot of changes are palpable ( and mind you- all may not  to be as conducive as you may want them to be .)

We all know that Sibling Rivalry   is very common among kids. It may get lessened / or overcome by tactical moves on part of the caretakers or siblings who are elder and take conscious efforts to minimise, yet there are cases where one has found that this Sibling rivalry does  stretch on and last for decades, even long after the childhood has ended.

What happens when it  lasts beyond childhood?

Some contemporary findings:

1.   Regressive behaviours:

( may exhibit stress/ anxiety )

When the first born is between 3-5 years of age and the next child comes along-this may be a very stressful period for the first born -in such a case the regressive behaviour may be also accompanied by aggressive behaviour!

While some  such behavioural exhibits can be prevented, the remainder can be improved upon within a few months.

Regressive behaviour may include constant thumb sucking, constant demand for the bottle, request to wear diapers,( even if toilet trained)

Instead of rebuking / chiding them , if parents give in to these few demands , soon the kid will realise that his attention is being met , and he would /should then soon improve..

This period may also be marked with increased conflict and   emotional distancing.

It has been observed the same sex siblings might show more intimacy towards each other, where as the different sex siblings may exhibit distancing between them.

But this is a waxing and waning of emotions. No rule will be perfect. Reciprocity, mutual trust/ faith, camaraderie and affection will finally govern which way the emotions will actually flow.

 Especially noticeable during  ADULTHOOD. are some features that need a small write up:

One odd sibling may thus leave home in search of better   opportunities like pursuing higher education/ job commitments/ hobbies  etc.   The angst that the younger one had  nurtured with respect of parents prioritising their time and  attention towards the elder one,  starts to go away- The elder one having gone, He  started to get all the attention NOW. The vying of attention of parents  over each other having got dissolved, in most   such cases  the relationship between siblings would dramatically improve.

Conversely-

Proximity is a large factor that helps maintain contact between siblings.  The heart yearns for the distanced sibling, the female siblings yearn a lot for each other, but there is no cardinal rule to that.

Communication is the only tool that can bind the siblings together. In days gone by- Letters and trunk calls were the only ways of communication. But Not so now.!! What with the internet boom and digital media, the distance has  become ZERO, hence this is of no consequence now!

Adulthood / Old age.:

Sibling Rivalry during -Adulthood:

This adult sibling relationship can be very complex at times.

An example:

As an adult , a sibling picks up a wife, creates his own immediate family, gets bogged down by vagaries of life as also trying to make a balance between his wife/ his parents and his other siblings.

If he has the maturity to manage every thing  in the right perspective ,with a proper mix of balance , foresight, understanding and wit, I’m sure the relationship would be a near normal and peaceful one.

But there are more than a dozen of reason’s one can put forward where things may go astray. The siblings may not be able to strike a balance, the equilibrium may not be right / priorities of the rest of the siblings may be at tangents to his expectation. Some amount of jealousies/ competition , may creep in, and if not taken cognisance of ,may escalate  and  generally boomerang into exploding dimensions.

The sense of belonging, increased levels of happiness may not be really palpable here.

Some more cases can be:

Estrangement/ sibling rivalry, Some past hurts/ or some grave instances that may have carved a dent in their relation>>>> toxic relationship.

Another mostly seen reason is financial and property rights of one over the other . This is a very common example seen in many a case, where the feudal fights reach escalating levels and all sense and sensibility goes out of the window along with the winds. It’s a very sad example but true to the core.

Another important reason may be the jealousy that creeps in, if one sibling is a very bright 6 figure  income earner and the other is not.

The pride , the over confidence , the arrogance  of the former over the latter can be another very big reason of this emotional divide.

Some more cases can be:

Estrangement/ sibling rivalry, Some past hurts/ or some grave instances that may have carved a dent in their relation>>>> toxic relationship.

A topic worth mentioning:

Sibling Rivalry…..describes the animosity between siblings. Often competition is the result of a desire for greater attention from parents as also for recognition in the world.

Siblings do get to spend a lot of time with each other, than they do with parents. At many a times its quite  loving, at other times it is coloured with a no. of factors. Some of which may be  influenced by factors like parental affection, birth order, personality  traits  and  experiences  gained from other people outside of home.

Many a times it has been observed that rivalry is more prominently seen in siblings of the same sex.

 Outbursts, aggression, outbursts are quite common  sequlae.

They keep vying for attention from others esp. parents.

As they grow older the affections may increase or decrease, a lot will depend on how much time they spend with one another, How they relate with each other?

Does one always boss over the other, does one always ignore/ bully the other?

At times it has been observed that marriage of one sibling often may strengthen/ weaken the bond between them.

At times, divorce/ widowhood  of one sibling/ or  death of a close member may at times draw the two siblings closer to each other, with the aim and intent of supporting and comforting one another.

Blood siblings, Cross siblings, Pseudo siblings are some more that also need elaboration. But right now I’m here to discuss what goes wrong and why the siblings start warring upto each other, why they lose trust and confidence and what should be done to circumvent it allllll…!!????

Relationships between Siblings are also of various types:

Close and supportive  to competitive and even hostile

They may have an emotional connect: Intimate/ Best friends, Loyal, Congenial, Apathatic/ Distant. Hostile or rivalrous.

Closest relationship may be found in sister- sister pairs.

In advancing age….Sibling.. relationship may take on increased resilience as we age, coupled with the fact that loneliness is linked to poor health and well being.

Its important to understand the linkages between relationships between siblings as we add on grey hairs to the hyde ( skin) and  inches to the side( turn overweight / obese)

Researches have shown that the linkage n bonding with advancing years become stronger and  levels of hostility if at all, slowly diminish as the bond of sibling warmth starts to increase.

How to mend it all?

Open communication, Empathy and understanding .

Acceptance, Setting   boundries , so as not to interfere too much and give the other siblings some decent space.

There may be moments of  Temper outbursts u cannot control,

Or spells  of loneliness, and you  yearn for some one –your very own who will understand u.

Then again you may feel you know a lot of people but whom to turn to in times of need. Or you may feel that no one knows you.

At times you are Feeling blue/ low in energy or feel u have slowed down- You need a comforting shoulder to lean on. Such times more often than not you do land up thinking of your own sibling.

These are times when directly or indirectly you want to stretch out to one/ two of your siblings.

If the caretaker senior sibling can perceive this situation , proffers his/ her help, situation can be most likely nipped in the bud.

 Warmth, desire to visit each other, yearning to spend more n more time together reduces symptoms of depression, anxiety n hostility and  loneliness.

At times , despite a lot of sibling and or family interventions and rounds of frequent counselling , if situations do not mend, then-

Professional help at times may have to be sought for- in extreme cases.

Lets now discuss a word or two about Family structure. With regards to siblings

Sibling Relationship is often the longest relationship in a persons life. You actually end up spending more time with your siblings than with any one else.

 Siblings normally take care of each other. Companionship and support with each other, for each other helps in Shaping personality and identity, thus laying an impact  on future relationships.

Yet we also know that Rivalry is also in many a case very deep rooted in the psyche of siblings in many a case.  They  may thus also be characterised by conflict and rivalry.

In other words:

Sibling Relationship can be thus described by four patterns:

Harmonious, Hostile, distanced, and emotional intense.

The Rivalry can in many a case get lessened over the period of time as the siblings grow from one phase to another , but then again there may be many a case when the divide as I have already mentioned can get deeper n deeper.

We all need to keep  a vigilant eye over each other. As a sibling: Try to remain connected with each other. Try and accept each other as we are.

Try and be accommodating and be patient with each other.

As a parent, we need to keep a watchful eye on all our kids to see that the siblings do not get into psychosomatic entanglements with each other. There is so much that can be said/ written about the love hate relationship that goes on in between siblings.

One of the main reason is the urge to want parental attention, being over jealous of the other sibling

So what should be done

No single rule will apply. A mix and match of a no of theories will have to be used

Most often :

Stop making Triangles

See their perspectives, if only for that moment, give them due attention

Raise your acceptance game,

Let me leave this episode with a couple of stories from my personal life:::

My personal observation:

I’m now 70 years old. Have gone through the phases of sibling  relationship with my own two brothers.

My brother-Anoop, was the eldest born, my younger brother  Praveen was the last born,

 I guess we all had our share  of affection from our parents. My elder sibling was born prematurely, he was reared in an incubator for a few months, was thus physically weak. Over emphasis on his health gained  priority  in the psyche of our parents and  yes, they were over indulgent towards him.

My younger brother was the last born. Yes, he was a smart young one who did not need much guiding and soon, also, became the apple of my father’s eyes- since he had a way with words, was intelligent and quick with his one liners, and did not need much cajoling and prompting by any one.

Yes, he definitely was my Mother’s darling child as well.

He knew how to twiddle her on his little finger and got away with most wise cracks with a glint in his eyes and humour which was his inborn trait ( I guess he picked up this trait from our father.)

I was the only female child, I was the middle one.  I guess I can relate to the fact that I was a quick learner, and picked up nuances. activities and principles from every one around. Yes, no one had really any time to see how I was shaping out. Since I was left much to my self, I took to a lot of reading that was a trait and a habit I picked up from the Protestant Father’s at my School.  I learnt the art of snatching my father’s attention by always coming first in class, turned out to be the best orator, best debater, best dramatic student of my class n school. My father always guided me on how to pronounce words correctly. But no, I was not spoilt. No one was really spoilt.  And yes our family -no one was jealous of the other also.

I’m proud to say: No rivalry existed amongst us three siblings.

Lets talk of Siblings during OLD AGE

I will talk of my own family example:

I’m 70, My husband is 77years of age.

He has his full family of 5 siblings.

A very loving caring interconnected family.

They all have their immediately families ,and are thus  busy in their own nuclear families.

Yet , they yearn to be with each other.

This is binding and bonding in the gradually nearing old age.

I’m the only sibling left in my family.

I do feel poignantly the lacuna this has created in my heart. I try to submerge it all by relating with my husband’s siblings. And I’m proud to say that we do have a real warm healthy and cohesive relationship.

How do I see the five siblings:
I’ve seen them all, very closely. Obviously I knew them not before my marriage, but, over the last fifty long years, seen them through thick and thin, seen them how they rush to attend combined functions, how they rush asap when any one member falls sick. Then I’ve seen them all drift apart when their own children needed them to priotize their affections and time- for them. Now as we are all nearing 70 and beyond, when our kids have all settled well into their own nuclear families, I now , again, see the urge, the craving of these siblings  for each other.

To quote an example; My husband fell sick 10 odd days go.

His sister –“Saroj didi” –  her  physical condition  low, yet her mental status to meet her brother so high that she made our bro – in-  law drive more than fifty kilometres to see her sibling at the hospital.  This is the warmth, the love , the attraction to be near your own siblings. The urge to be close to siblings I find has increased as they are ( we are ) all growing older. .This is but one example. There will be scores more . suffice to say…old age, increasing years draws siblings closer than nothing else.

Aim and intent of narrating my family incidents is just:

No family is perfect

No sibling relationships are ideal

We all need to be patient with each other

I lost my younger sibling when he was but 17.My elder one I lost in 2010.

But life carries on>>>>

My husband’s family I turned to. I accepted them as part of my sibling family.At least I did my part. And im prousd to say that all communications that traverse in the family, im the conduit

So in the end, Be patient, be persevering, Listen more, accept less, and there will be NO RIVALRY!!!!

Acceptance of situations sharing lOVE will pave the way>>>>

Good luck

Look out for another one on similar line scoming shortly

We will now talk on Niblings and Piblings in the next episode